I am writing this knowing I may very well likely never post this on my blog. Monday morning by 8:35 am our lives were dramatically and suddenly turned upside down. At our routine sonogram, the technician saw something that concerned her. Something indicating that the baby is suffering from something very wrong. Right now we have no details. We went from the ultrasound office home stunned. Thank goodness we had decided not to take our daughter with us to the sonogram. All we expected to find out was is this a boy or a girl. We thought it might be fun for her to see the picture...even in black and white. I am just so glad something inside of us said don't take her.
Shortly after getting home I got a call from my ob. My cell didn't ring, so she left not 1 but 2 messages before I even realized she was calling. I called her back and that's when the reality started to hit. She had scheduled me for a visit with Dr. Ghidini. The same perinatolgist I had seen with my first pregnancy due to the cholestatis. Not only had she scheduled the visit but she would be there with me. To discuss our options. I felt a great sense of relief as weird as that sounds that this was in her hands and that she was actively and agressively taking on the situation.
We called my mom and she decided to head up to go to the 3pm appt wih us. I have to say we were and are just kind of stunned. Trying to work though this in our minds. Trying to understand. WE were prepared for Cholestatis. We were prepared for routine complications - high blood pressure, whatever. We were not prepared for this.
A 3pm we went to the hospital for the appt and received a second sonogram by Dr. Ghidini and then were advised to have a battery of blood tests and an amnio. They are taking what they call a parallel track. They know the baby is having a problem. What they don't know is why. They really have no idea. There are suspicions. But nothing conclusive. Structurally, physically the baby looks fine. Heart lungs arms legs all there. All as they should be.
So Monday was hard. Tuesday was harder. I am also RH- which meant because of the amnio I had to go back yesterday to the hospital for an injection to keep my body from rejecting the baby if it happens to be RH+. This meant waiting in the perinatal center with pregnant women coming in and out. I know if they are there - like me last time - they are being monitored. I also know the vast majority have healthy babies and will be lucky. I feel sad that I feel this way but I feel almost hopeless.
I spent most of yesterday alternating between rallying and knowing I will be ok, no matter tha outcome and just intense sadness and worry. We will have results by Friday. We go back in at 1:30 for a followup and to find out what they know from all the tests. Thankfully they fast tracked all the tests - usually these would take 10-14 days. Fortunately, we'll only have to wait 3 days. Still the longest 3 days of my life.
It is hardest at night when I lay down to go to sleep and I just can't. My mind won't turn off. Sadness overcomes me and I now know what it means to cry yourself to sleep. I have honestly never done that since I was young and clueless and suffering what I thought was a broken heart. The hardest thing is I can feel the baby. Moving. Living inside of me. Knowing that the outcome may be catastrophic is heart-breaking.
I am lucky though. I have one beautiful, smart, sweet, loving and incredibly intuitive daughter. She doesn't know anything is going on but still it is like she knows. She is gentle with me. Sweet to me. Yesterday morning while lying in bed, my husband put her next to me while I was sleeping and while he was getting ready and I woke to my hand being held and her saying "I love you mama." It doesn't get better than that. There is nothing that soothes like a gentle soul. My husband is suffering too. But he is being strong. I am sure for me. He is scared and worried and confused like I am. But he is also reassuring. We have talked alot which I think helps. Gone over possibilities, scenerios. And more than anything I know one thing that won't be shaken is our relationship with each other. Neither of us may escape unscathed, but we will manage and we will survive this. We have been able to be completely honest with each other. Even the things deepest in our hearts that we feel horrible for even thinking or feeling.
My mom is another saving grace. She came up on Monday as soon as she heard about the additional testing. She went home yesterday morning but called this morning to say she's taking the rest of the week off to be with me. I am trying to continue to function but I know I can't go to work. Where I have the choice to pretend like nothing is wrong or tell some truth that is really more than most people should or need to know. I hope that once we know more I will be able to pull it together enough to live. I have to. Right now I just am trying to get to Friday.
PS Please know I did decide to post this because I think its important for me to do so. I am not sure why I feel that way but I do. Also, please know that if you are reading this because you know about my blog and know me that I would really appreicate it if you kept this entire ordeal to yourself at least until we have figured out how and when to explain it to people.
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