Oh What a Difference a Year Makes!

I used to love September. It was the month of chrisp cool autumn air and finding out that we were going to have Ella. Then in the early 2000s, it seems bad things started to happen this month. It is the month of Katrina, the World Trade Center & Pentagon, the loss of my dear friend's father, and the words "Your baby's condition is catastrophic." So, now, September is just a month I try to get through, hoping nothing bad will happen. I am not trying to jinx myself I promise but the month kind of freaks me out a little bit.

1 year ago today I was sitting at just about this exact moment in the office of Dr. Ghidini in the perinatal center at Alexandria Hospital. It was for my 2nd sonogram of the day after the first showed bad, bad signs. We had found out in the morning that Max was in grave condition. It was a bad day. We were scared, confused, worried, freaked out, and lost. It seems like both an eternity ago & just yesterday. I find it hard to believe that one year later I am here with a healthy, 7 & 1/2 month old chunky baby boy that is trying to figure out how to crawl. God help us all. How differently it all could have gone, but I truly try not to think about that. Still, September is no fun for me. And I will like it when October 1 is here. I'll breathe a little easier.The fact that Max is here and well is nothing short of a miracle. I only give myself today to think of that. With him I just take every moment as it comes, dwelling in the sweetness of his little spirit. Appreciate it for what it is. We were faced with gut wrentching decisions and painful long days and weeks between appointments. I am just so grateful for that little boy. I am truly, madly in love with both of my children, but it is almost of if he and I have a connection that goes beyond. My mom seems to have it with Ella, but Max & I at times are in our own little world. Its almost as if he knows (and perhaps he does on an unconscious visceral level) all that I went through for him. He knows and he is grateful, and thus, takes it easy on me. He beams when I walk in a room, he quiets when I hold him, he will do anything to get a visual of me in his line of sight.

The biggest difference that Max has brought to my life, the most valuable lesson, is don't sweat the small stuff. Never one to suffer fools lightly, I have gotten even worse. I am INCREDIBLY empathetic to those who truly need empathy and support. However, those who fuss and go into fit about stupid things do not get a lot of tolerance anymore. Life it so short, so precious and so unpredictable that you have to just hold on and try to enjoy the ride!