Taking His Name...or not

When I married, almost 10 years ago now, I kept my maiden name. I was not making a statement by not taking his name. I do suppose that if it was a huge deal to him, he would probably not have been the right guy for me to be marrying. Fortunately for us, he doesn't see it as statement on him, but simply as my preference. He never hesitated, wavered, whined, asked, hinted or otherwise seemed to really care at all. I think we had one chat about it. The conversation went something like this:

Me: "Do you want me to take your name?"
Him: "That's up to you."
Me: "I think I'll keep my name."
Him: "Ok."
Me: "You really don't care?"
Him: "Nope."
Me: "Ok."

The decision to NOT made this day no less special.






It was never a throw myself on the sword, I AM A FEMINIST/IT IS MY IDENTITY issue for me. Primarily it was a matter of convenience, practicality and not wanting my appearance to confuse the hell out of someone expecting a tiny Vietnamese woman. He had no objection, I had no burning desire to change it, we were good. We knew that our commitment to each other was solid. Does taking his name mean you are not a feminist or don't have a little streak of it in you, I don't think so. So why anyone presume that the opposite is true is beyond me.

I do recall discussing, pre-marriage, our someday kids. Would they take his name? Of course. No question or problem. No hyphenation. No new made up name with letters from each of ours. Simple. Clean. I always thought that kids of parents who hyphenated their names would be in trouble when they had kids. Does Sarah Smith-Jones become Sarah Smith-Jones-Tyler? And what about their kids. I guess there is a reason that this fad kind of died out. Not that there is anything wrong with it, it just wasn't for us. Just as there is nothing at all wrong with taking your husband's name. In marriage, just as in parenting, I am a firm believer in the "do what works" method.

Over the years, the fact that I kept my name has been more of an issue for other people than for me. People would ask, "Are you worried that the school won't know you are their mother?", "the doctor's office won't let you have them treated?" "what about when you travel!?" "Won't it confuse the children!?!?!"

I think people often make major decisions based on a lot of what ifs. I don't operate like that. I do what is comfortable for me. What makes sense to me. Not once has anyone in any official capacity even paused because I have a different last name from both of my children. Not when leaving the country, not at the doctor's office, not when enrolling them for school. Not ever. Not once. When Ella's teacher calls me she addresses me by my proper last name. Maybe it is because we live in a populous and extremely diverse area that parents with two different last names is not so unusual. Perhaps it would be different if we lived in a small town. Who knows?

My feelings on the name change issue are similar to my feelings on the interracial marriage issue. Again, always seemingly a bigger concern for others than it ever has been for the two of us. What are my thoughts and feelings on the issue that my children are biracial? Honestly, it is a non-issue. I am sensitive to the fact that we MAY face some form of discrimination someday, but I do not in any way let this define me, my marriage or my children. If someone else has a problem it is theirs to own, not ours.

One of the things I love most about my husband is that he is secure. Not pompous, not egotistical, secure. My having a different last name has no bearing on his sense of manliness. He smiles when he's referred to as Mr. my last name (typically at hotels and in travels since I serve as our travel agent). He will wear pink. He likes girlie drinks. He knows he's a man, he knows what he likes, he feels no need to prove himself to anyone. Our cultural differences, to us, are something to enjoy and explore and have never been something that makes us feel like less. We hope to instill this sense of, shall we say comfort in one's own skin, in each of our children.