7 Years

7 years is a long time. 7 years ago today I was quietly sitting stunned and shell shocked in my mother in law's house glued to the television. The immediate fear of that morning was over. I had been at work in my office in Alexandria when the whole world seemed to shift. Hung had sent me an instant message asking if I had heard about the plane crash in New York. I replied I hadn't. Minutes later he said he had heard there had been another. I started feverishly searching CNN, MSNBC and other news sites looking for any word. 1 plane was odd, 2 within minutes was horrifying. Immediately after finding the first piece of news online, Hung disappeared from IM. Panicked, I realized I had no idea where he was. At the time he was a contractor splitting his time between an office in Bethesda and the Department of Justice building in DC. Thus began frantic attempts to contact him via cell phone. Finally after what was only about an hour, but what seemed like forever, he called me on my office phone from his office phone. He was in Bethesda, but they were letting everyone leave. He had no idea what he would find on the roads but he was heading home. I, seeing the parking lot that was Duke Street directly out my window, told him I was sitting tight.

About 1/2 of my office stayed and 1/2 headed home. Eventually traffic died down and I headed home. In a daze.

7 years ago today I was not yet aware that I would be a mother. I didn't realize I was pregnant with Ella until 10 days after September 11th.

For me this time of year is inexorably linked with some of the best memories of my life, the memories of being pregnant for the first time, completing the construction of our home and moving in, preparing a baby's nursery. Sweet, warm, lovely memories.

It is also forever and relentlessly entwined with feelings of fear, despair and pain. September 11th and my pregnancy whirlwind with Max in 2006. It is a painful and sometimes confusing and difficult mix. Externally I look the same, but I am edgier and more prone to snap in September. I have to make myself aware and realize why I feel the feelings I do this month.

I am so absolutely grateful that I was able to allow myself to be completely distracted by the experience and beauty of bringing a new life into the world instead of despairing about how ugly and terrifying life can be.

7 years is a long time and I will forever grieve for those families who no longer have their loved ones with them. I remind myself constantly how precious and fleeting life is. I try to savor every, single solitary moment.

I am not a particularly religious person, but this quote is especially poignant.

“Today, we gather to be reassured that God hears the lamenting and bitter weeping of Mother America because so many of her children are no more. Let us now seek that assurance in prayer for the healing of our grief stricken hearts, for the souls and sacred memory of those who have been lost. Let us also pray for divine wisdom as our leaders consider the necessary actions for national security, wisdom of the grace of God that as we act, we not become the evil we deplore.”

- Rev. Nathan Baxter, Dean of Washington National Cathedral

Amen!