Nerves

For some reason I have a bad case of the nerves, as my grandma would say. Back in the day. Tomorrow I am having a relatively minor (so the doctor says) procedure to deal with what has become a pretty major annoyance and source of discomfort and pain in my life. It is bad and getting worse and of the 4 options presented to me the one I have chosen, while invasive, is minimally so. Doing nothing, aka option 1, is no longer an option. Option 4 is too extreme, at least for me, to consider at this point. While not ruled out entirely, it is ruled out for the near term. Option 2 is to go on medication indefinitely. I am not a fan. So option 3 it is.

Now, about 3 years ago this time I had been through one thorococentesis and was facing a second one. Though some could argue those were optional, I don't see it that way. They were for Max, I didn't hesitate. I got a bit nervous sure, but not in a "should I cancel this thing" way.

Arguably what I am about to have done could solve my problem 100%. There is a chance, small chance, that it won't help at all and Option 4 will come into play. There is a chance, very small, that it could make my problem worse. Hence the nerves.

Anyway, I am going to be nervous until after all is said and done and I have recovered. 1:30 tomorrow can't come soon enough because at least once I am there I won't be able or inclined to change my mind. I trust my doctor. This very procedure was recommended to me by my old doctor that I loved! When she retired she referred me to this doctor to do the procedure. I have scheduled it twice now, cancelling once. I have been told it is a good option for me 3 times. Why, oh why, am I still nervous and self-doubtful.

I think it is because I have had so much non-elective poking and prodding that it is difficult for me to CHOOSE to be prodded when it seems to truly be an elective choice. I could choose to do nothing. I could just live with my situation. It won't kill me, it just makes my life more uncomfortable. Less enjoyable. Painful at times.

Tell me you are going to stick an 8 inch needle through my abdomen and uterus and into my fetus to drain fluid that is compromising his lungs. No decision. Done. This, this makes me hesitate. When its just for me. I hesitate. I am not sure why. Tomorrow just will not come soon enough.