Anxiety, Angst, and Worry...

So I am beginning to wonder if I'll ever be the same again. Maybe just maybe getting it all out will help me let go. I feel like I will never be the same person I was prior to September 18, 2006. The day the sonogram showed problems for Max. In my mind I thought that once he was here every worry would dissolve into sweet relief. Well, that hasn't exactly happened.

Every day I fight a feeling of living on borrowed time with him. I have no rational basis for this notion or feeling in my soul, but it is there. It is unsettling. I worry. I worry. I worry. I have never in my life been medicated for anything long term, aside from the routine meds that go along with a surgical procedure, we're talking NADA. I am beginning to think I may need an anti-anxiety drug. Something to stop the cycle that starts in my head and won't stop. Its like OCD of the thought process.

Every minute with him seems precious. Every smile, every sigh seems divine. I know he is ok. I know he is meant to be. I know in my heart he will be ok. My mind is struggling to accept it. I feel guilty for even thinking some of the thoughts I think. Then I realize I am not able to change how I think and feel. He is the sweetest most laid back mellow baby I've ever had the pleasure to know. Its like he has been through the bad and he's not sweating the small stuff. He smiles, he flirts, he raises his little eyebrows and teases his mama. I love him. To the core of my soul, I love him. I worried that I would never have enough love in me to share between my first child and my second and what I know now is there is always room. Your heart grows. There is room for love and worry and angst and a capacity to stress over their future like nothing you can imagine.