I don't know why (well that's a lie) but the closer I get to sonogram appointments the more anxious and frayed I get. I manage well for most of the time when its off in the distance - a week or more away. Even 3 days + I am ok. Then it gets to be the day before and then the day of and I get very worked up. And the harder I try to be calm, the less calm I am. I am sure it is the lack of control and the not knowing what we'll see that is making me crazy, but it is MAKING ME CRAZY.
I get crabby. I get busy. I try to do too much. To distract myself. I worry. I know that nothing I do can change what we will see ... either more fluid, less fluid, no fluid. It is a balancing act because I want to be prepared for the worst but even when you tell yourself not to hope for total resolution you have that glimmer of hope that they ultrasound will show its all gone! You don't want to hope for that, because you don't want to be disappointed, but in reality you can't help but hope.
This kid is the greatest test of my life. The thing I can't believe is that every break so far is going in our direction. That too has to give us hope. My OB yesterday said at the next appointment in 3 weeks (November 21) we'll schedule my c-section for 38 weeks. As if scheduling it can make it so! She's very into the power of positive thinking. We talked - our appointments are more like counseling sessions now than OB appointments. So she comes in after everything is looking ok - BP is fine, weight is good, measurements are good - and sits and says, "Talk to me." So I talk. She listens. She tells me I am absolutely right to be scared to death but also to have hope. Because there are so many things pointing to the fact that this kid is strong and that he's fighting and that whatever is wrong its not structural, its not chromosomal, its not infectious.
I can't give up. Not just yet. 25 weeks, 4 days ... and COUNTING.
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